Freedom From Forgiving You

My alarm goes off at 4:30 am. We've been in four different time zones over the last three weeks. My body isn't sure whether it's time to sleep or wake up. 

I turn my phone alarm off and crave time with Jesus. Our hotel room is pitch dark, Jake has left to work out, and Mavericks asleep in the other bed. 

Sitting up, I put my earphones in, put on worship music, and invite the Holy Spirit to guide my time with Him. 

Allowing the words of worship for Jesus wash over me, my heart begins to feel tender again. 

"God what do You want me to know this morning? What are You saying to me today?" I ask, expecting Him to answer, like a Father who delights in intimacy, the God who puts everything aside for time with His children. 

I hear Him say, "I want you to forgive yourself for the recent things you've felt frustrated about concerning your past." His words convict me of the harshness, condemnation, and resentment I've harbored toward myself. 

I already felt peace that God had forgiven me of these things because I'd repented for them but it wasn't complete because I was still beating myself up for these things. 

The unforgiveness was sneaky. I felt obligated to these self-hatred emotions, as if I deserved them.

In obedience, I say a forgiveness prayer I memorized, that I use regularly, to keep me free from being vulnerable to the enemies attacks of hardening my heart. 

"Father, I confess I'm offended with myself. I judged that I've wasted time, partnered with the world and self-sufficiency when I know You alone are my answer. I judged myself for not being worthy of Your love God, deserving to be punished, pushed away from You, and condemning myself for my sins.

But because of the love Jesus You have for me, I choose to forgive myself unconditionally. I choose to loose myself and let myself go. I don't owe myself anything.

Thank you Jesus for forgiving me for the unforgiveness I've harbored. In Jesus Name, I break the power of harsh words and thoughts I've said about myself or to myself.

Holy Spirit come now and heal my mind, body, and spirit for these harmful ways of being. I choose to believe You will complete the work I began by faith. In Jesus Name. Amen." 

Tears fell down my cheek, the weight in my chest lifted, it was easier to breathe and a joy washed over me. 

God reminded me of Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain, and He is always ready to restore the repentant one"

God is so faithful to shower mercy on us, as we cry out to Him with humility. 

Below are some consequences when we live in unforgiveness that makes us more vulnerable to the enemy. They're ways that can manifest in our life as signs. Some include:

1. Overeating or over drinking.

2. Gossiping or criticizing others.

3. Reacting to situations with anger.

4. Oppression or depression. 

5. Victim to busyness and chaos. 

6. Self-pride and ego-driven choices. 

That list can help you self-identify but the One who knows the depth of your heart is Gods Spirit. Remember, there is zero condemnation from the Lord, in Christ Jesus, because of what Jesus already accomplished for you and I. 

Take a few minutes to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any unforgiveness you may be holding on to toward yourself. God can move more freely and powerfully when we do our part of repenting and forgiving as the Holy Spirit reveals it. 

If nothing comes to mind, ask God to soften your heart, to be sure you're not allowing anything else block the intimacy He is wanting to have with you.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for being my Shephard who consistently watches over my heart and guides my steps. Thank You that You're faithful in showing me mercy and grace that equips me to stay close to You. Continue to search my heart, revealing deception, sin, or unforgivness. Give me courage to face what You show me, knowing You are a loving Father, who's love I can not be separated from. Holy Spirit continue to set my heart and mind apart for You and You alone, so I can become more like Jesus. Amen.