Since, my sophomore year in high school I felt an inner pain that I wanted to escape. The pain stemmed from unresolved childhood issues, having an alcoholic father. I didn’t know what to do with it, all I knew is that it felt suffocating at times.
On top of that, I felt an external pressure. I was in Varsity sports, Student council, and voted Homecoming queen. Event though, no one vocalized pressure on me, I felt it. I didn’t want to let people down and got most of my confidence from other’s validation.
I couldn’t keep it up. The internal pain and external pressure became too much to handle.
By the end of my Junior year in high school I was using drugs, sex and alcohol to numb and escape. It’s all I knew. These outlets gave me relief but temporary. For the moment, I felt more free and numb. I chased these momentary highs, constantly needing more just to feel normal. This way of coping became my life.
Until I’d hit rock bottom...
As a person of faith, I’d pray, “Jesus, help me to stop emotionally eating and giving into cravings.”
It wouldn’t be long after that prayer, I’d be in the pantry eating spoons of Nutella or a bag of chips.
Quickly, I’d feel flooded with guilt, “you’re such a failure. See, you ARE out of control.”
My desire to be healthy, was no longer JUST about losing 40lbs, it was about being free from the guilt.
I WANTED to believe God could help me make healthy changes and stick to them, but WHY wasn’t He helping me?
Sometimes, the more I prayed, the more desperate and out of control I felt.
I discovered, He was teaching me something MUCH bigger than weight loss.
He actually wanted to give me MORE than I could see.
Today, I know what was missing: I was focused on fixing the symptom not the cause.
The battle wasn’t with food/drink.
The battle was with the mind.
I stopped thinking "I'm such a failure and out of...
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